Mmm, Spam. Canned ham. Fried up with butter and served next to fluffy scrambled eggs. Nothing like chopped, processed, formed, canned meat. Or so I thought when I was a pre-teen. That stuff was like heaven – a serious treat on a weekend morning.

Now spam, though still available in canned form, has become something negative, something bad. Okay, maybe the canned meat-like stuff has always been bad. Or at least bad for you. But the new spam, the kind you find in your email inbox, your twitter feed, your unmoderated blog comments – hell, even in your snailmail box – that stuff is poison.

Or is it?

Some email spam is very entertaining. Often a bright spot in my morning. My new form of spam for breakfast. I never actually open these messages (to quote Jiminy Cricket, I’m no fool). I only read the subject lines.

So in the spirit of Neil Pasricha’s 1000 awesome things, I give you the awesomeness of spam.  Or – how to make a silk purse out of a pre-formed, nitrate and preservative drenched, sow’s ear.

Since there are too many to share in just one post – let’s start with spam that is all things penile.

Penis Enlargement Pills – $59.95. Risk free 60-day money back guarantee.

How do you prove you are unsatisfied? Are photos required?  What if it takes only 50 days? Worse yet, I wonder what happens on day 61….

Buy here get discount #1 Penis Enlargement Pills

So, if they’re #1, why do they need to be discounted? How much for #2? Hmmm, this is taking a decidedly bathroomesque turn.

A Genuine way to permanently enlarge your penis at home with this herbal pills for just $59

What? You mean all those other ways weren’t genuine? I’m crushed, I feel so used.  What if you only want to enlarge it temporarily?  And where else would you try to enlarge it, at work? In a phone booth? Are there still phone booths?  (by the way, good grammar, spammer).

With our pills your penis can win the beauty contest

Well, now that it’s big enough – it needs to be all pretty. Maybe a nice hat. A little lipstick…

Attack impotence with our pills

Take that, impotence! I shall finally be potent! Maybe omnipotent! Oh wait, that’s not what they meant….

With our pills your penis will be rechargeable

Ouch! Where do you plug it in? I think I have new insight into “short and curlies.”

The heat in your pants will be irresistable!

Heat from all the recharging? Irresistible to whom? And just how much heat are we talking about? Will I be irresistibly drawn to cold water? A snow bank perhaps? (And nice spelling, spam dude)

And my Favorite spam email subject line to date:

Want more power for your delight? Try horny weed.

Now, I’ve heard a lot of euphemisms for penis in my day, but “delight” isn’t one of them. And if I want more power for it, I’ll buy the recharging pills. I don’t do weed.

All these have lead me to wonder one important thing.  Why do so many people think my penis needs enlarging? If the darned thing gets any bigger, my nuts will look ridiculous.

(Apologies to my facebook friends if any of the above is painfully familiar in the form of my spam status updates.  You saw it first!).

Tagged as: 1000 awesome things, for the heck of it, Neil Pasricha, spam