The joy of spam

by Julie Frayn on March 1, 2012 in  Bric-a-brac

Mmm, Spam. Canned ham. Fried up with butter and served next to fluffy scrambled eggs. Nothing like chopped, processed, formed, canned meat. Or so I thought when I was a pre-teen. That stuff was like heaven – a serious treat on a weekend morning.

Now spam, though still available in canned form, has become something negative, something bad. Okay, maybe the canned meat-like stuff has always been bad. Or at least bad for you. But the new spam, the kind you find in your email inbox, your twitter feed, your unmoderated blog comments – hell, even in your snailmail box – that stuff is poison.

Or is it?

Some email spam is very entertaining. Often a bright spot in my morning. My new form of spam for breakfast. I never actually open these messages (to quote Jiminy Cricket, I’m no fool). I only read the subject lines.

So in the spirit of Neil Pasricha’s 1000 awesome things, I give you the awesomeness of spam.  Or – how to make a silk purse out of a pre-formed, nitrate and preservative drenched, sow’s ear.

Since there are too many to share in just one post – let’s start with spam that is all things penile.

Penis Enlargement Pills – $59.95. Risk free 60-day money back guarantee.

How do you prove you are unsatisfied? Are photos required?  What if it takes only 50 days? Worse yet, I wonder what happens on day 61….

Buy here get discount #1 Penis Enlargement Pills

So, if they’re #1, why do they need to be discounted? How much for #2? Hmmm, this is taking a decidedly bathroomesque turn.

A Genuine way to permanently enlarge your penis at home with this herbal pills for just $59

What? You mean all those other ways weren’t genuine? I’m crushed, I feel so used.  What if you only want to enlarge it temporarily?  And where else would you try to enlarge it, at work? In a phone booth? Are there still phone booths?  (by the way, good grammar, spammer).

With our pills your penis can win the beauty contest

Well, now that it’s big enough – it needs to be all pretty. Maybe a nice hat. A little lipstick…

Attack impotence with our pills

Take that, impotence! I shall finally be potent! Maybe omnipotent! Oh wait, that’s not what they meant….

With our pills your penis will be rechargeable

Ouch! Where do you plug it in? I think I have new insight into “short and curlies.”

The heat in your pants will be irresistable!

Heat from all the recharging? Irresistible to whom? And just how much heat are we talking about? Will I be irresistibly drawn to cold water? A snow bank perhaps? (And nice spelling, spam dude)

And my Favorite spam email subject line to date:

Want more power for your delight? Try horny weed.

Now, I’ve heard a lot of euphemisms for penis in my day, but “delight” isn’t one of them. And if I want more power for it, I’ll buy the recharging pills. I don’t do weed.

All these have lead me to wonder one important thing.  Why do so many people think my penis needs enlarging? If the darned thing gets any bigger, my nuts will look ridiculous.


(Apologies to my facebook friends if any of the above is painfully familiar in the form of my spam status updates.  You saw it first!).

{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }

Sean P. Farley March 1, 2012 at 8:12 am

Oh my gosh, this is hilarious. I get those all the time (not that I need them, thank you very much)! Like you, I don’t open them, but some of them are too funny. The dirty ones are the best (worst?), and of course I will refrain from putting them down here, but they get downright nasty sometimes. Oh well. And just for the record, the real Spam isn’t so bad. My partner LOVES the stuff. I’ll eat it if it’s there, but the pantry has to be near empty for that to happen!


Julie March 1, 2012 at 12:52 pm

Haven’t had real Spam since I was a teenager. I used to love Underwood deviled ham. Bought some a few years back and it was disgusting! Not everything that is awesome when you’re young translates so well as an adult. Like Highlander. . . . Glad you enjoyed!

Heather March 2, 2012 at 8:11 am

HAHAHAHA I really had no idea there were so many malfunctioning weiners in the world.


Julie March 2, 2012 at 12:24 pm

I know I’ve met a few… :)

Mitch March 2, 2012 at 4:53 pm

Yes, I do recall reading some FB updates regarding your penis spams but no apologies needed, I LOL’d again anyway! Always entertaining. Cheers!


Julie March 3, 2012 at 7:57 am

Life would be boring if we couldn’t LOL about it! 😀

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